This post is from a courageous young woman in recovery…
When I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and eating disorders at 15 years old, I had no idea that they would impact every aspect of my life, that they would always be a part of who I am and that they would dramatically change the path my life would take.
When I graduated from high school and went off to college, I had no idea that my eating disorder would ever be an issue that could take me away from school.
When I was admitted to the hospital for the first time after my college required me to seek treatment, I had no idea that I really had a problem and that I was dying from it.
When I finished my first cycle of treatment, graduated from college and landed my first real job, I had no idea that simply maintaining a healthy weight did not mean that I had worked through all my issues.
When I realized I had fully relapsed and had to decide for myself to seek treatment again, I had no idea that it would be far more difficult the second time around.
When I returned to my job from my first medical leave, I had no idea how many appointments and therapy sessions I would need just to keep me going to work each day.
When I was let go from my job after another medical leave, I had no idea that my eating disorder would prevent me from working full-time for many years.
When I found a part-time job and immediately had to return to an eating disorder program, I had no idea that the rest of my time at that job would continue to be interrupted by appointments, programs and hospitalizations.
When I just could not cope with a major life transition and my therapists could not stop me from hurting myself, I had no idea that it would take four months of hospitalization before I could feel safe again.
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When I thought my life was over because my therapist, nutritionist and psychiatrist all terminated with me and I lost my job, I had no idea that I would eventually be able to work with my ideal treatment team, who would help me find my way back to the path of recovery.
When I learned that I needed to be able to fight my battles outside of the hospitals in order to truly recover, I had no idea that I had the strength to do it.
When I was told over and over that a particular treatment was not an option for me, I had no idea that I had the ability to advocate for myself and find a doctor who believed that I could get better.
When I returned to dance after a hiatus, I had no idea that I could make healthy choices and that they would actually make me a better dancer.
When I was given the opportunity to help out my best friend and her family, I had no idea that I had the courage to move across the country for three months without jeopardizing my treatment or recovery.
When I spent years turned inward and isolated, I had no idea that I could be social, repair old relationships and make new friends.
When I learned about the peer movement and that there are jobs for people who use their lived experiences with mental illness to help others, I had no idea that I would ultimately end up making it my life plan to go into that field.
When I applied for a specific training three years in a row but was never accepted, I had no idea that I would find a way to educate myself and start volunteering without having to go through the training.
When I spoke at a National Eating Disorders Awareness Week event in February 2013, I had no idea that I would spend the next year sharing my recovery story, facilitating peer support groups and advocating for myself and others.
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When I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and eating disorders at 15 years old, I had no idea that they would impact every aspect of my life, that they would always be a part of who I am and that they would dramatically change the path my life would take.
And I had no idea that I would be able to find my brave to overcome these struggles to create a life worth living.
- Jamie Loud
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